Lately I've been thinking about how I ended up where I am today. Growing up Asian in a predominantly Caucasian state in the South has had its' challenges. I was never worried about race when I was younger and I'm thankful but as I grew up, I found it more and more relevant to think about. Sometimes I'm ashamed to think that I used to want so badly to fit in that I was, at times, embarrassed of my heritage to the point where I tried to hide it. I faced my share of racism, from being on the receiving end of lingering stares and dirty looks when I would walk into a room to being called by racial slurs in public. Thankfully, Fayetteville was in the more progressive thinking part of Arkansas so as I was going through my secondary and post-secondary education, it was pretty non-existent. Sure, there are still remnants of racism here and there, but it's non-existent if you don't seek it out. I truly felt as if I were an American. Who wouldn't? If you've spent the majority of your life in a country, shouldn't you be considered a member of that nation regardless of what some piece of paper says?
From then until now, being in South Korea, I can't help but feel a loss of racial identity. Leaving the country that I called home to go to my mother country, it's truly disorienting. Here, I don't feel as if I'm really Korean. Sure, I look Korean but my mindset and view of the world is purely American. I found that I oppose a lot of the ways Koreans view the world and find that a lot of cultural and societal norms here leave a sour taste in my mouth. Either way, I'm still happy to be here because I can spend time with the extended family that I didn't have in the states. I have a sense of belonging here, although it's only when I'm surrounded by my wonderful family. However, when I come back, I'll be coming back as an international student. Again, I'll be viewed as a new immigrant to the states, rather than a person who was raised in the states as an American and simply had to go on leave for a couple years. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm upset with how things have turned out. My family did everything that a normal "American" family did. Paid our taxes, contributed to society, and participated in the community. My LIFE as I know it was abandoned in the states when I left. Thankfully, my friends don't see it that way and just think of it as me leaving on vacation for a short time. They're the only reason I still feel connected to a country that didn't want me. I'm the clingy, ginger step child of America, haha.
My childhood has left me with some acceptance issues that I need to deal with. I don't think it has been a totally negative thing because I've had to develop strong social skills to compensate for my fear of rejection by others. I know that things will work out for me in the future, but this experience has left a psychological scar on me. All I can do is push on through life, not worrying about my racial identity and focus on my identity as John Kim instead. In the end, that's all that matters. The color of my skin doesn't determine the people that I form relationships with and the types of experiences I will have. When I die, people won't remember me as "that Korean guy." They'll remember me as John Kim. With that in mind, I'm going to continue just as I have been, developing myself into a better human being and not worrying so much about what people see on the outside. That way, I can better resolve my issues and not acknowledge the platitudes of questioning racial identity. We're all human after all. Love and miss all of you to death, and in the words of Bobby Boucher a la The Waterboy, "Thank you all so much for being my friends." ^_^
~JK
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Lately...
I have had the strangest feeling, with no vivid reason here to find...
Name that song! In other news, I have settled into a prosaic, lifeless routine here. Most days I wake up to a grey sky, a constant reminder that I'm not in the land of milk and honey anymore. How I miss the fresh air and breeze of the South. Teaching at the hagwon has gotten easy and I've since got into the swing of things. My students' initial reception of me as a teacher was filled with a cold disinterest, but I soon turned it around and most of them are coming around just nicely :). I ended up not being able to have a real debate class because the level of English isn't there with the kids so it's turned into a presentation/creative writing/storytelling class, which I'm perfectly fine with! I remember back in the day in junior high when we would have creative writing/free writing sessions and I loved every bit of it. Words would flow out like an endless stream onto the paper and I'd be completely in the zone. This is the reason why I'm surprised to see that the kids here aren't so keen on it. I mean, how hard is it to just write about anything? What did you do today? What did you have to eat and was it good? They've been told their whole lives to study this and that so much that it's hard for them to form their own opinions and thoughts, let alone be creative. They're all good kids and I like them all so I wish to expand their minds and help them see that there is a life beyond just tests and college. With that said, the harsh reality these kids face is an unyielding and unforgiving admissions system to college and even work, which focuses mainly on their grades and the college that they attended. Such a hierarchical society is not conducive for self exploration and development, and for that I truly feel for these kids. This reminds me how lucky I was to have grown up in the states, even though I got booted later, hehe.
A little less than 3 weeks from now I'll be in boot camps for 5 weeks. I'm a little nervous, mostly because of my shoddy Korean and the fact that it's going to be absolutely freezing by the time we start. I've been lucky recently since the weather broke a little, it's been around the mid 40s. After being in low 20 to teen weather, 40 feels AMAZING. What else...I broke my headphone jack off into my laptop so I don't have sound, but my dad bought me a USB headset, thus the problem is remedied for now. The medicine I'm taking for my weak ass heart is making me tired. Some days, when I wake up, I just lie there and watch tv shows or movies in bed because I simply can't move or don't want to. It's like someone gave me a big dose of FUCK IT. Other than that, I miss all of you dearly, and we shall be reunited soon. Love and miss y'all.
~JK
Name that song! In other news, I have settled into a prosaic, lifeless routine here. Most days I wake up to a grey sky, a constant reminder that I'm not in the land of milk and honey anymore. How I miss the fresh air and breeze of the South. Teaching at the hagwon has gotten easy and I've since got into the swing of things. My students' initial reception of me as a teacher was filled with a cold disinterest, but I soon turned it around and most of them are coming around just nicely :). I ended up not being able to have a real debate class because the level of English isn't there with the kids so it's turned into a presentation/creative writing/storytelling class, which I'm perfectly fine with! I remember back in the day in junior high when we would have creative writing/free writing sessions and I loved every bit of it. Words would flow out like an endless stream onto the paper and I'd be completely in the zone. This is the reason why I'm surprised to see that the kids here aren't so keen on it. I mean, how hard is it to just write about anything? What did you do today? What did you have to eat and was it good? They've been told their whole lives to study this and that so much that it's hard for them to form their own opinions and thoughts, let alone be creative. They're all good kids and I like them all so I wish to expand their minds and help them see that there is a life beyond just tests and college. With that said, the harsh reality these kids face is an unyielding and unforgiving admissions system to college and even work, which focuses mainly on their grades and the college that they attended. Such a hierarchical society is not conducive for self exploration and development, and for that I truly feel for these kids. This reminds me how lucky I was to have grown up in the states, even though I got booted later, hehe.
A little less than 3 weeks from now I'll be in boot camps for 5 weeks. I'm a little nervous, mostly because of my shoddy Korean and the fact that it's going to be absolutely freezing by the time we start. I've been lucky recently since the weather broke a little, it's been around the mid 40s. After being in low 20 to teen weather, 40 feels AMAZING. What else...I broke my headphone jack off into my laptop so I don't have sound, but my dad bought me a USB headset, thus the problem is remedied for now. The medicine I'm taking for my weak ass heart is making me tired. Some days, when I wake up, I just lie there and watch tv shows or movies in bed because I simply can't move or don't want to. It's like someone gave me a big dose of FUCK IT. Other than that, I miss all of you dearly, and we shall be reunited soon. Love and miss y'all.
~JK
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