Introspection

Lately I've been thinking about how I ended up where I am today.  Growing up Asian in a predominantly Caucasian state in the South has had its' challenges.  I was never worried about race when I was younger and I'm thankful but as I grew up, I found it more and more relevant to think about.  Sometimes I'm ashamed to think that I used to want so badly to fit in that I was, at times, embarrassed of my heritage to the point where I tried to hide it.  I faced my share of racism, from being on the receiving end of lingering stares and dirty looks when I would walk into a room to being called by racial slurs in public.  Thankfully, Fayetteville was in the more progressive thinking part of Arkansas so as I was going through my secondary and post-secondary education, it was pretty non-existent.  Sure, there are still remnants of racism here and there, but it's non-existent if you don't seek it out.  I truly felt as if I were an American.  Who wouldn't?  If you've spent the majority of your life in a country, shouldn't you be considered a member of that nation regardless of what some piece of paper says?
      From then until now, being in South Korea, I can't help but feel a loss of racial identity.  Leaving the country that I called home to go to my mother country, it's truly disorienting.  Here, I don't feel as if I'm really Korean.  Sure, I look Korean but my mindset and view of the world is purely American.  I found that I oppose a lot of the ways Koreans view the world and find that a lot of cultural and societal norms here leave a sour taste in my mouth.  Either way, I'm still happy to be here because I can spend time with the extended family that I didn't have in the states.  I have a sense of belonging here, although it's only when I'm surrounded by my wonderful family.  However, when I come back, I'll be coming back as an international student.  Again, I'll be viewed as a new immigrant to the states, rather than a person who was raised in the states as an American and simply had to go on leave for a couple years.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm upset with how things have turned out.  My family did everything that a normal "American" family did.  Paid our taxes, contributed to society, and participated in the community.  My LIFE as I know it was abandoned in the states when I left.  Thankfully, my friends don't see it that way and just think of it as me leaving on vacation for a short time.  They're the only reason I still feel connected to a country that didn't want me.  I'm the clingy, ginger step child of America, haha.
     My childhood has left me with some acceptance issues that I need to deal with.  I don't think it has been a totally negative thing because I've had to develop strong social skills to compensate for my fear of rejection by others.  I know that things will work out for me in the future, but this experience has left a psychological scar on me.  All I can do is push on through life, not worrying about my racial identity and focus on my identity as John Kim instead.  In the end, that's all that matters.  The color of my skin doesn't determine the people that I form relationships with and the types of experiences I will have.  When I die, people won't remember me as "that Korean guy."  They'll remember me as John Kim.  With that in mind, I'm going to continue just as I have been, developing myself into a better human being and not worrying so much about what people see on the outside.  That way, I can better resolve my issues and not acknowledge the platitudes of questioning racial identity.  We're all human after all.  Love and miss all of you to death, and in the words of Bobby Boucher a la The Waterboy, "Thank you all so much for being my friends." ^_^

~JK