**I wrote this in multiple parts over a week because of work and going out so if there are any parts that may seem repetitive I apologize, but deal with it :P**
Well, 2.5 almost 3 years have gone by since I've left the US and was received by the loving embrace of Mother Korea's arms. I know I've bitched a lot about Korea for as long as I've been here but Seoul slowly grew on me. All of the friends I've made here have helped me tremendously during my time here and I'll forever be grateful. After I got out of the military, I laid around for 2 months, doing nothing and wallowed in my own depression. Not entirely true, but for the most part, yeah. After fighting my dad on getting a job before I left, I folded and took an interview with a department at LG. It was only for a translating position but it turned out I was going to be working big projects, which to my surprise has been really enjoyable so far. Post-graduation and I can't find a job, I feel a little more at ease knowing that I can always come back to Seoul and find a job...
After applying to all those graduate schools, I got into 2 lol. Pittsburgh, which has an amazing program for biomedical engineering and the ol' alma mater. Not wanting to lean on the parentals any more, I decided to take the PhD position offered to me at Arkansas since free school is the best school and the research they're doing is exactly what I'm wanting to work on once I graduate. Also means I'll be returning home again.
Now that I have less than 2 months before I head back to the land of milk and honey, I'm starting to get anxiety about leaving. I've grown accustomed to city life and it's numerous conveniences as well as all of the relationships I've formed here. I've always been horrible at saying goodbye, even leaving friends after a night out, I always tend to linger, or so says one of my friends here. After being here for so long, I can truly picture myself living here. I'm sure I'd miss the states occasionally but yeah...it's weird. I'm torn between two worlds...
Things I'll miss about Seoul...the smell of the streets. Walking around and being bombarded by the myriad of smells the city has to offer. Be it the wondrous aroma of a homeless man's freshly soiled pants, delicious street food, or the occasional passerby's redonculous perfume (I know, I'm a creeper, back off). One place I'll really miss is my own little Cheers. A little basement bar called "Soul". It's like my second home, especially with the family atmosphere that it gives me. I mean, having your name adorn the wall among a few select people is pretty homey isn't it? I've met some of the coolest people there and a couple of them turned out to be some of my best friends here. It helped that they spoke English...and were American soldiers lol. I've also my fair share of Korean friends who I'll miss as well. I'm going to miss sticking my headphones in and just taking a random bus to some far off part of the city and just wandering around like a tourist. Best part about public transportation in Korea is the sheer disregard old people have for others. I've been farted on, sneezed on, almost knocked over during a geezer boxing match on the subway (wish I was lying) among many other things. Especially going to miss my youngest uncle, aunt and their three little hell raising daughters.
And who can forget about the girls. Not having grown up around Korean girls, it was rough trying to date during my early days in Korea. I never knew what to say or how to say things without sounding like an idiot or weirdo. Now that my Korean is up to acceptable standards, I can actually have decent conversations with girls. I've been with a good amount of Korean girls now. Most of them were a waste of time aka gold diggers or just plain stuck up. A couple of the girls I've met lately though helped me develop a certain fondness for Korean women, not purely physical but the whole package. I finally found someone I am completely comfortable with and I don't know if she feels the same way I do (probably not) but I don't care, I like the feeling of these blinders over my eyes and I think I'll relish this foolhearted endeavor just because I'm almost never like this and it takes my mind off of leaving soon. It's a damn shame, Mr. Kim, damn shame.
Now that I have to grow up and put my big boy panties on, I've been enjoying what little remains of my irresponsible ways. I've checked off most of the things a degenerate Korean person has to do while living in Seoul. Just a few to give you an idea: go to karaoke and call girls, drinking until 7 am in the morning (this is pretty much any ajussi in Korea though so it doesn't count, these folks are straight up alcoholics), throwing up while riding public transportation (I've only done it in the taxi and it was not pretty but at least the cabby didn't kick my ass for it, he was super nice. Totally not ashamed of it either wha wha wha???).
Seeing as how similar this last part is to my last blog post in Fayetteville before I left, I can say I've come full circle and that I enjoyed the hell out of this little detour in my life. Before this, I was afraid of change. I lived comfortably in Fayetteville for most of my life and didn't have to face that much hardship. After being moved into another country and foreign environment and seeing how fickle life's path is, I'm much more comfortable and open to change. One thing that will never change is my inability to let things go easily. Koreans have a term called 정 (pronounced 'jung') that has no direct translation but can be boiled down to a certain connection you have with someone to put it in simpler terms. But it's not just that definition, it's a term colored with emotion and mixed feelings. It is because of this that I'm having an exponentially harder time letting go.
Like I said, I'm going to miss Korea like hell but I know that it probably won't be the last time here for me. Who knows, 10 years down the road I could still be in the US or I could be here in Seoul. I wish I had some pictures to put up here for you guys from my stay here but I'm usually too caught up in the moment to even consider pulling out my camera. I hope one day I can bring some of you here to experience what I have because it's beautiful. I can say that I've finally filled the little hole in my heart that was missing a part of my heritage. I feel complete now, but that doesn't mean I won't always struggle with my identity because I probably will and I think I'd like for it to continue as a constant reminder of where I am from.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend from the US (Korean raised in the states like me who had to come back to do his military service) before his military leave ended. At first he was depressed like me but now that he has spent some time here, he realized that he felt comfortable with his surroundings. There is a feeling you get when you're surrounded by "people that are just like you," in which he meant Koreans. Even though he spent almost all of his life in the US, he felt like he finally fit in. It seems like most of the American raised Koreans feel exactly this way, or at least the ones I've befriended here. I'm no exception. Other things were discussed throughout that alcohol fueled night but this stuck with me the most. Am I just fooling myself in thinking that I'm American? I feel like an American because that's how I was raised but I also feel a strong connection with being Korean now. There's something comforting (among other things but this is one thing that's always in the back of my mind) about walking into an establishment and not worrying about if I'm getting the stink eye or dodging glances (even though it might all just be in my head but I grew up as a victim of racism and it has left a substantial mark on my psyche). I know I'll most likely recover to my old self again but it's still something that makes for interesting discussion.
*A special paragraph for Jun since he bitched about me not writing about him.
I value the friendship we've forged and I consider you a lifelong friend. I'm glad we met in boot camp. I always thought it was hilarious when you and J saw me during intake and thought you had to help this poor Korean American with no Korean speaking skills through camp. I was pretty scared shitless and worried about getting in trouble for not understanding pretty much anything that was being asked of us by the drill sergeants. You and J made basic training seem like nothing. The physical aspect of boot camp was bullshit, summer two a days for football were harder in my opinion, but that's besides the point. From the time we first met during garbage duty at night up to now you've been my closest friend, like a mentally challenged younger brother I've had to watch over, hahaha. Just kidding. We've had many great times together and you showed me what it truly means to be Korean. Even the times when Andrew and Tom came to visit you came along and helped arrange little outings and made it a point to show them the real Korea, not just the bullshit tourist activities. Everything from testing Andrew's alcohol tolerance (5 차, get on my level) to eating all the weird shit normal people would cringe at. They've told me how much they appreciated having you there with us in making all those memories. I'm pretty sure we almost killed Andrew on a few nights out but at least he got a proper induction into Korean culture. I know I'm pretty callous in the way I act sometimes and I tease you about your English but it's all out of love, man. Making your ex-girlfriend jealous of our relationship was my pleasure, people can't help it, I'm just that awesome. True story. We practically did everything together during my time here and it's been an honor to call you 동생. Do me a favor though, if you ever see that drunk ajussi Bruce Lee wannabe, kick his ass for me. I know you want to go back to Canada but come on, man, the US is way better :P You'll get there someday, and I hope you find someone who's not crazy or overly demanding of you because who wants a naggy Korean girlfriend, amirite or what? There's your little plug. Happy now? Daint.
*okay, thought I'd be remiss to leave out my homegirl out of this so this one's for you :)
Taytay! I'm so happy I that I met a fellow Southerner in this part of the world. Not only that, besides the dainty Korean, you've been my best friend. We've had our share of ridiculous experiences and late night, sober and drunk talks. Finally, someone I can talk to about the roller coaster of dysfunction that I call my home life among other things and not feel like I'm being judged. You're always available for counsel and your ability to be frank and just shoot down my ridiculous ideas keeps me grounded and humble. You always cheer me up and you're propensity (oh shit, he's using big words, he musta gone to havhad or sumthin. Fackin' smaht) to go out and do new things is refreshing in a land plagued with routinism. Through you I've met some of the most wonderful people and still am (shouts to Mike and Garza!) and I'm forever grateful. I hope I run into you in the future or at least stay in touch because you're definitely Craig material. Guys, as the head of the Council of Craig, I present to you Tay Craig. Welcome to the brotherhood, girl, membership is for life. We still got a couple of months left so let's make them good ones.
Wow, this post feels looooooooong...time to wrap this up.
So the countdown begins. The official date I'll land in AR will be July 25th. Can't wait to see all of you beautiful bastards and to all my Korean friends, I'll miss the hell out of you guys, thank you for making a brotha feel at home for almost 3 years. If you ever have the chance, come visit and I'll give you a small taste of Murica, because you know you want it. Again, thanks to everyone for giving me this wonderful gift. This point in my life will be something that I'll always cherish. This is probably the last post I will write before I get on the plane. I'll see you all very soon.
~JK
P.S. 준순, don't be a daint and cry when I leave because I know you will ^^.
